Young Writers Society

Hey there, CK Lynn! Here as requested. I'm reviewing the updated/revised version, by the way, so don't worry that I've reviewed the first one, or whatever.

“She’s dead, Clark. I accept that,”

Intriguing first line. It grabs the reader's attention and screams at them to want to know more. One thing though - you should close the speech marks because the 'At 26' bit isn't linked to the speech. Indent it so that the 'At 26' bit goes onto a new paragraph. So it would read:

"She's dead, Clark. I accept that."

At 26,Carson Layne’s black hair had no sign of gray, [...]

At 26, Carson Layne’s black hair had no sign of gray,

When writing in a story, you shouldn't use numbers in the digits sense. So change '26' to 'twenty-six.' (or twenty six, if you're fussy about hyphons.)

but his eyes were so much older than is face.

This is a clever observation; it's details like this that make a story real. However, 'is' before face, needs a 'h' in front of it so it reads, 'his'. Easy typo to make.

They were haunted, deep green orbs that had already seen more than anyone should.

This, again, is an intelligent observation about the character. I like the way you make what I call a police blotter description, of his eyes, sound literary. You make it flow well.

“You had a chance, Car. You had a chance to save Becky, and no matter what you say, I know you considered taking it.” Clark Fisher stared back at his friend, trying, as he had for years, to decipher the other man’s cryptically blank expression.

Your dialogue is excellent; very realistic and plausible. You can imagine it happening between the characters. I think you should break up the third sentence to add effect, so it would read,
'Clark Fisher stared back at his friend. He was trying, as he had for years, to decipher the other man’s cryptically blank expression. "

“It wasn’t worth the lives,” Carson snapped emotion breaking through for a moment.

You need to insert a comma after 'snapped', before 'emotion', to make this gramatically correct.

“I’ll deal.” Then, quieter, “I always have, you can’t deny that.”

Good, perceptive. Brings more flesh to the character, makes it more edgy.

“But she was the only one who was more than a face to you,” Clark broke away from Carson’s soul-splitting gaze. “And you can’t deny that.”

I love the thought of a soul-splitting gaze, it's very original. I think the first sentence would sound better if you inserted 'just' before 'a face'.

“No I can’t. But one life is not worth five. And Becky would agree.”

Comma after 'no.'

Carson trudged out the missing wall of the building. Beyond that lay his city, and the grimy, ash-darkened row of stores that was Waller Street, once the most upscale lane of shops in New Haven, Colorado. Now it was just a slum. A stinking, smoking, slum.

Very good description - just enough to give us a visual image but not overdoing it.

Carson kicked a stone that lay by his foot. It skittered across the broken asphalt and stooped by the shoulder of a sleeping drunk. Beyond the street’s façade, the sun sank into the ground, casting shadows over the street. The orange-reddish tint of the sky reminded most people of autumn leaves. It looked to Carson like the fire from an exploded gas tank. He’d seen enough of them to know the color. Twilight approached, harbinger of night.

This isn't helpful at all, but I adored this description. Beautiful narrative control and gives us an insight into the personality of Carson.

[b] Okay, I really, really liked this.

It was so cleverly done and the characterisation was brilliant. You obviously know the character inside out. You disclose memories of his like his lover who died, picturing her in a coffin and this shows us the more life-like side of him. First, we see a withdrawn, hardboiled tough guy, who finds it difficult to show his feelings, and then, without making it cheesy and out of character, you give the reader something to empathise with him, you show his memories, you show he does have feelings, despite the rough diamond exterior. Your characterisation was just great, and please don't develop them anymore, as it fits in with the piece.

The description was good as well. There were some really great descriptive moments, including the one I quoted from.
However, you need more description and details at the start, in the dialogue. It would have been better. After the speech marks, a bit of detail on what action the character did after talking, how they drummed thier fingers awkwardly on the table during the awkward silence, how their lips pursed.
Also - dialogue was realistic, as Icaruss pointed out. Very authentic.

I'm giving you a gold star for this.

Well done.

Sarah
xxx

I feel like giving you a hug. Not to be a creeper or anything. I'm just IMMENSELY proud of you!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yay you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There was one part I thought sounded awkward at first glance.

“It wasn’t worth the lives,” Carson snapped. “I’ll deal.” Then, quieter, “I always have, you can’t deny that.”

There was no room for weakness or grief in his job. You got on with your life, and used your anger to fight the criminals that took away your life, your love. That’s the way he did it, at least.

Okay, I agree with the posters above me, this is good, and has potential. I only have a few nitpicky things to say.

Becky’s favorite time, he thought, remembering the summer evening just a month before when they’d met under an old oak in the city’s park at midnight, exactly.

“No I can’t.

For anyone interested: I'm working on the novel version, firt chaptershould be posted in Advanced Crits soon.

I liked Choices better.

Title changed to Carson Layne's story. Title suggestions PLEASE!

Okay, this "Choice" title is not working. So:

Which one do you like best:

A. Between Darkness and Dawn

B. Vengence

C. Choice ( is there anyone who actualy likes this?)

D. Carson Layne's story (if you don't like the others)

“She’s dead, Clark. I accept that,” At 26, Carson Layne’s black hair had no sign of gray, but his eyes were so much older than is face. They were haunted, deep green orbs that had already seen more than anyone should.

“It wasn’t worth the lives,” Carson snapped [s]emotion breaking through for a moment.[/s]

Clark broke away from Carson’s soul-splitting gaze

You can’t understand

It skittered across the broken asphalt and stooped by the shoulder of a sleeping drunk.

Beyond the street’s façade

Updated and Revised version!

“She’s dead, Clark. I accept that,” At 26, Carson Layne’s black hair had no sign of gray, but his eyes were so much older than is face. They were haunted, deep green orbs that had already seen more than anyone should.

“You had a chance, Car. You had a chance to save Becky, and no matter what you say, I know you considered taking it.” Clark Fisher stared back at his friend, trying, as he had for years, to decipher the other man’s cryptically blank expression.

“It wasn’t worth the lives,” Carson snapped emotion breaking through for a moment. “I’ll deal.” Then, quieter, “I always have, you can’t deny that.”

“But she was the only one who was more than a face to you,” Clark broke away from Carson’s soul-splitting gaze. “And you can’t deny that.”

“No I can’t. But one life is not worth five. And Becky would agree.”

“Not if she was the one alive and you were dead.”

“Stop it, Clark. You can’t understand,” Carson trudged out the missing wall of the building. Beyond that lay his city, and the grimy, ash-darkened row of stores that was Waller Street, once the most upscale lane of shops in New Haven, Colorado. Now it was just a slum. A stinking, smoking, slum.

Carson kicked a stone that lay by his foot. It skittered across the broken asphalt and stooped by the shoulder of a sleeping drunk. Beyond the street’s façade, the sun sank into the ground, casting shadows over the street. The orange-reddish tint of the sky reminded most people of autumn leaves. It looked to Carson like the fire from an exploded gas tank. He’d seen enough of them to know the color. Twilight approached, harbinger of night.

Becky’s favorite time, he thought, remembering the summer evening just a month before when they’d met under an old oak in the city’s park at midnight, exactly. Remembering how they’d drawn so close, the stars acting as a magnet, pulling them closer. Remembering how, barely more than a week later, he’d seen her in a coffin. Becky… A tear came dangerously close to slipping out of his eye.

Impatiently he brushed it away, pulling himself together. He was Carson Layne, of Heller City P.D. He was invulnerable. It was his fault he’d gotten hurt. He should know enough to not let himself get close. There was no room for weakness or grief in his job. You got on with your life, and used your anger to fight the criminals that took away your life, your love. That’s the way he did it, at least.

No, really, I actually like it. The magic thing was very tentative.

No, I mean, you don't have to change it just 'cause I said so. What the hell do I know about good stories? Seriously, if you wanted to write a fantastic story do so.

Hmmm. Yeah, I just needed some way to tie in this scene, and magic jumped to mind (usually, I write fantasy/sci-fi). But I can see your point.

So: updated synopsis.

A bank robber/other type of criminal was holding Becky, two men and three other women. Carson and Clark (any suggestions for a name change on him?) were sent to stop him. The criminal was either going to kill Becky or the other 5, and Carson (Clark was shot) only had enough time to save one group.

Much better.
Thanks!

This was fantastic. You have the voice of a really hard-boiled police procedural writer. The dialogue is good, and feels authentic, which is the most important thing. You don't have the characters talk about feelings, or pour their hearts out like only fictional characters do. They speak with awkwardness about someone that's dead, and you can really tell how Carson really doesn't want to talk about.

And I'm not used to this, but I must really protest to some of the changes an earlier review suggested:

At 26, Carson Layne’s black hair had no sign of gray, but his eyes looked so much older than is face; they were haunted, green orbs that had already seen too much of death-- is a fantastic description. Don't change it. Separating into different sentences might make it too long, and whenever a text lingers too much on it, it bores the reader and makes it lose focus on the feelings and emotions. The only thing that I would even think about changing is the word "death" that sounds a bit cheesy. Maybe something else? Or "had already lost too much". OK. That sounds dreadful, but something else. Again, though, it doesn't bother me that much.

Also: Then, quieter-- sentences like these between dialogue work great because they keep the flow going. It let's the reader really... read the dialogue as someone would actually say it. Describing the words makes the dialogue feel unauthentic.

The "At least, he did" is great.

Wait. I just read the magic/cult thingy thing. Oh. That kinda ruins the whole story for me. I thought it was like, a criminal was holding hostage six people, one of whom was Becky, and he gave him a choice. I don't know... the magic thing seems out of place with the way you tell the story, but still it could work, if you keep it gritty and real. Yeah. But... I just burst out laughing when I read it.

Anyways, it's still a great little piece.

Yeah, I had reservations about the double-C's, but those were just the names I thought of. Which one should I change, do you think? Clark Fisher or Carson Layne?

P.S. Anyone have a better title idea? I changed it from Vengence to Choices, but I'm not sure.

CK Lynn wrote:I don't know what possessed me to write this, it kind of just happened. These two police officers, Carson Layne (who has had something else tragic in his past) and Clark Fisher, work together. Then Carson's girlfriend, Becky, is murdered by a criminal he's been tracking. Later, he has a chance to bring her back to life through a magic/cult-type thing, but at the price of five other lives. He decides not to, but his choice still haunts him, and that's where this dialouge happens.

So yeah, it's just a kind-of story, but I wrote this scene and I figured I'd get some critques before I worked out the rest. Tell me if you like the idea or not. And does anyone know how to do italics on this thing?

“She’s dead, Clark. I accept that for some reason this sounds kind of awkward,” At 26, Carson Layne’s black hair had no sign of gray, but his eyes looked so much older than is face; they were haunted, green orbs that had already seen too much of death-- this is a very long sentence. Try to split up his description into seperate ideas.

“You had a chance, Car. You had a chance to bring Becky back, and no matter what you say, I know you considered taking it.” Clark Fisher stared back at his friend, trying, as he had for years, to decipher the other man’s cryptic expression.

“It wasn’t worth the lives,” Carson snapped. “I’ll deal.” Then, quieter-- instead maybe say: His voice dropped to a whisper, “I always have, you can’t deny that.”

“But she was the only one who was more than a face to you,” Clark broke away from Carson’s gaze. “And you can’t deny that.”

“No I can’t. But one life is not worth five. And Becky would agree.”

“Not if she was the one alive and you were dead.”

“Stop it, Clark.” Carson trudged out the missing wall of the building I think you mean trudged out of. Beyond that lay his city, the grimy, ash-darkened row of stores that was Waller Street, once the most upscale lane of shops in Heller, New Jersey. Now it was just a slum. A stinking, smoking, slum.

Carson kicked a stone that lay by his foot. It skittered across the broken asphalt and stooped by the shoulder of a sleeping drunk. Beyond the street’s façade, the sun sank into the ground. Night approached.
-- put more description here. Describe the sunset.
Becky’s favorite time, he thought, remembering the summer evening just a month before when they’d met under an old oak in the city’s park at midnight, exactly. Remembering how they’d drawn so close, the stars acting as a magnet, pulling them closer-- this is kind of an awkward sentence. The imagery is beautiful but I think you need to reword it to make it less awkward. Remembering how, barely more than a week later, he’d seen her in a coffin. Becky… A tear came dangerously close to slipping out of his eye.

Impatiently, he brushed it away. He was Carson Layne, of Heller City P.D. He was invulnerable. There was no room for weakness or grief in his job. You got on with your life, and used your anger to fight the criminals that took away your life, your love. At least, he did.

This story has a lot of potential and could go quite a few places. But it needs to get on the road towards that place. This story could benefit from expounding quite a bit. Delve into your characters, explore their motivations, and you will go a long way towards making this more appealing to other readers. Being deliberately vague can only help you so much. In excess, it's detrimental. But as I said, this story does have a lot of potential. I look forward to a revision, and perhaps a continuation.